Oh right...I have a blog

I wish I had a good excuse as to why I haven't blogged in almost two months. I could say I was busy (which is very much true) or I could say I was having a little writer's block (which is partly true), but to be honest I think I was just avoiding writing about the stuff that's really been bugging me. So blame it on my self-reflective mood tonight, the Coltrane in the background, or possibly (probably) the glass of wine at dinner, but tonight I will finally write down what I should have been writing down for awhile now.

It hasn't been a good month in Emily World. One of the worst on record, actually. I think I mentioned that this school year I've taken on the responsibility of being team leader for my team at the middle school. I probably mentioned my apprehension about the task; turns out it was incredibly warranted. Not only have I been generally bogged down with more paperwork and to-do lists than I've had in recent memory, I also have the added pressure of feeling like I do something massively wrong on a daily basis. This would all be much easier to deal with if the leadership role had actually been something I'd sought out. No, the kicker is that team leader was thrust upon me when the rest of my team teachers cried "Not it!" faster than I could at then end of last year. Subsequently, here I sit, a team leader not by choice but by necessity, in my first year as a non-probationary teacher. And I feel like a failure in some way every single day.

I don't exactly deal with failure well. There's a reason that my blog post about my 6th grade ski trip didn't involve me dusting myself off and trying again (and yes, I'm singing that Aaliyah song in my head right now too). If I discover I'm not good at something, I usually just give it up or avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, I can't exactly run to my principal and say "I don't wanna." I'm sure this is all good for me and I'll learn something from it, yadda yadda yadda, however in the meantime I have no doubt I'm ruining my mental health in the process.

All of this would be stressful enough by itself (I barely even have time to feel like an effective teacher, let alone a team leader), but I also have the bonus of being the target of an entire staff's frustrations and animosity. Last year another teacher and I were solely responsible for the creation of a new schedule at our building. I'll avoid as much education abbreviations and mumbo jumbo as possible, but essentially this new schedule was necessary to fulfill a Wisconsin's Department of Instruction law dictating that all schools have a certain program in place. This meant having to rearrange our schedule slightly by eliminating study halls (sort of) at the middle school level and adding more of an instructional time to help students who are behind. I could go into a million more details, but that's the jist of it. Anywho, our principal backed us on the new schedule proposal, which was great, and now it has been implemented this school year. Excellent. I should feel proud of my accomplishment, right? Well it turns out, it's pretty hard to feel proud of yourself when an entire staff hates that accomplishment, and does nothing but complain about it on a daily basis. The best way I can describe it is if you took months planning a really nice evening for your friends. You picked out a great restaurant after lots of research to make sure it had good reviews. You bought tickets to a concert by your favorite band that you knew was fantastic. And then the whole time all your friends complain about how awful the food and service at the restaurant was (even though it was fine), and can't stop saying how the band sucks, while shooting you daggers of death the whole time. That's about what my last month of school has been like.

I know that I can take things to heart too much sometimes, even though I might not always show it, but in this case I've spent the last month of school feeling like I'm failing at being a team leader, I don't have enough time to be a good teacher, and I am surrounded by constant negativity about something that I was integral in creating. Even though I know I have the support of my principal, it sucks to know that the teachers I consider my friends aren't being all that supportive, or realize how deep their negative comments cut. I try to keep up a tough outer shell at work. I'm pretty good at that; I've had lots of practice for most of my life. However, I go through school feeling pretty alone. Then I come home and feel even more alone. I don't live near friends or family, and the friends or family I do talk to every once and awhile seems to be moving farther and farther away (figuratively and literally). Wine helps, and I watch a lot of TV, but mostly I don't have time to do anything but think about school all day long. Even when I don't want to think about school, say at 3:00 AM when I'm desperately trying to fall asleep, all these problems have an awesome way of proding me awake. "Did you make copies of that handout?" they say. "Did you make your agenda for the team meeting tomorrow?" "Did you remember to put that note about Drama Club in the announcements?" "How will you avoid the caddy pointed comments tomorrow?" There is a constant barrage of thoughts that I can't seem to turn off. This used to be a normal teacher thing when I was stressed out periodically. Now it's a constant thing that gives me dark circles and a surly demeanor on a daily basis.

The one saving grace I have are my students. I might hate my circumstances right now, and feel all kinds of panic and desperation on most days, but at least my students make me smile if nothing else does. They're a really good group of kids. Even though I could rant and rave until the cows come home about my stress or the leadership that was forced on me or the way I feel like I'm back in high school  the way people whisper behind my back, at the very least I know that I don't want to give up my career. I do what I do for my students, and will always get excited when I see a student have an A-Ha moment in class. But the problems I'm facing right now are hard to get over or move past, especially when all the positivity I try to muster keeps getting bopped on the head like one of those Whack-A-Mole games.

I know this has been an incredibly angsty post, the likes of which some of my middle schoolers might be proud. Part of me hopes you just stopped reading and can just send me a virtual "Honey, please." It's warranted and I'll understand. On the other hand though, I needed to get this off my chest, since it seems lately I don't have a whole lot of people in my corner. I guess that's all the melancholy I should probably dispel on the the masses for tonight. Hopefully the next post will be a whole lot cheerier.