And I'm beginning to realize that's okay.
There was a time when not completing a plan would have thrown me for a loop. I've never really been an always stick to the plan kind of girl, but for many things, if I don't have some kind of blueprint I get a little lost. Since graduating college, it's dawned on me that I have a small fear of getting lost. For twenty-two years of my life, I was working towards something tangible. Each year I moved onto a new grade, or new school, but now it's like the GPS turned off halfway through the directions. I've had a hard time figuring out the rest of them, and kind of feel like I've been driving through back country roads looking for a gas station for a while. Somehow I doubt that this is a stop and ask for directions type of situation, though. My point is that on most days I have no idea what I'm doing. Call it a quarter-life crisis or whatever else you want, but the thing I want most in the world right now is for someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, that this is how my life is supposed to go. I like knowing that I have control over my life and the direction it takes, but in this instance, I really need to know that there is a Plan.
Recently I watched the commencement address that Conan O'Brien grave to Dartmouth College's graduating class of 2011. I mostly tuned in just because I think Conan is really funny, and I was looking for a good laugh. I was surprised to discover that he had some really inspirational things to say, in the least corny and cliche way possible. I'm sure writing that speech had to have been difficult. I mean, the job market is still looking grim, and frankly a lot of those graduates will be living in their parents basements looking at their Ivy League degree and wondering how they'll pay back all those loans.
However, Conan actually had some really great advice. He said, "Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you."
His speech really hit me as something I needed to hear right now. Yes, I have a job that I like, and yes, I'm living on my own (sort of) successfully, and many people would say that's good enough. I've reached the goal I've had since I was eighteen. But the thing I was never prepared for was the not being completely happy, even though I have the things I thought I wanted. I'm really glad I listed to Conan's speech because that whole constantly evolving dream idea has definitely been something I struggled with, but never knew what to call it. My life picture looks so much different now than when I was eighteen, or twenty-one, or even twenty-three. Many goals have gone unaccomplished, some have just changed altogether. For a long time I thought something was wrong with me, that I couldn't finish the things I started in the way I wanted. Some days I still feel like that, but on the other hand, I'm beginning to realize it's okay if "The Plan" isn't perfectly executed.
It's okay that I don't love the town I live in, because maybe my first job won't be the one I from which I retire.
It's okay that I'm not a perfect teacher straight out the gate, because I have a lot to learn and have great co-workers and students who can teach me.
It's okay that I'm still single even though all my friends are getting married, because...because...alright, maybe that one I still need to reconcile.
Either way, I thank you Conan O'Brien and your words of wisdom. You unexpectedly brought some meaning into my life where I was struggling to find some.
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