All by Myself

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore




Seriously. 


Tonight, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a glass (okay, more than "a" glass) of wine. The nightlife in Tomah is pretty much non-existent, so it's one of the more peaceful things I can think of, sitting on my porch in the darkness, with just the breeze floating through the alley. I was sitting there, contemplating life, when all of a sudden I hear music drifting through the screen door of my neighbor's apartment. The sweet melodies of 40's music hit my ears. I'm sure it was on the tv or something, but it sounded like Billie Holiday on an old record player. And then it dawned on me what song was playing. It was Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me". The song I have tattooed on my back. The song whose lyrics strike a chord in me every time.


I sobbed. 


Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the stillness of the starless sky. Maybe it was my emotional instability. Whatever the reason, I wept, and it hit me (for probably the millionth time in however long I've lived alone) that I hate being by myself. Not just living alone. That I can handle most days. It's the me against the world thing that I hate. I don't have anyone by my side. I don't have anyone to be there when I get home. I don't have anyone that has my back. In fact, I am a dying breed amongst my friends. I have three single friends left, all of whom have or will be moving away very soon. I am a the last of my kind, an endangered species. 


It is the worst pain I could imagine. 
Hasa Diga Eebowai.