Anything Would Be Better Than That: Holidays I'd Much Rather Celebrate Than, You Know, That One

I know it's cliche to even talk about it, but The Day That Shall Not Be Named is right around the corner. I know this due to the amount of hearts and flowers I've been gagging on in any given retail area. We've well established that I am a bitter cynical type when it comes to the world of love, so I'm not ashamed to say that if February 14th suddenly disappeared from the calendar, I would not mourn. This day has no purpose that I understand. It makes the in-love feel either obligated or filled with syrupy-sweet affection, both fairly insufferable. It makes the out-of-love feel the need to hide their despondent tears all day or listen to angry chick music, both of which give the off-putting air of "Don't date me, I'm damaged!"

With that in mind, I would like to suggest some alternative holidays which I would gladly celebrate instead of the blasted day that vomits red and pink and candy-coating across the land.

National Take Your Dog to Work Day
I am allergic to almost all canine varieties, yet I would gladly spend a day sneezing and generally not breathing rather than watch students buy roses to give around to each other at school. "Four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco!...And none for Gretchen Weiners."--The general jist of this day


Pimento Cheese Day
I am not a picky eater, but this is the one food I absolutely refuse to eat. Ask my mother to tell you the tale of her force-feeding me this disgusting product as a child, and you will understand. I would also substitute this day for Banana Day. Either one would be a more pleasant alternative than Valentine's.

Sports Awareness Day 
On this day, one might be required to learn how to play as many sports as one can. If you don't understand why this would be distressing for for me, go back and read this post (The Ski Slope Corollary).

National Knuckle Cracking Day
I've been watching a lot of Inside the Actor's Studio lately, and if James Lipton ever asked me "What is your least favorite sound?" it would be knuckle cracking. Think about it...it's the sound of bones cracking and creaking, loud enough for others to hear. Dis.Gust.Ing. But I would endure a day of such noises if it meant Valentine's Day would be laid on the sacrificial altar. 

Nickelback Day
I had to think long and hard about this, but if forced to choose between Valentine's Day and Nickelback Day, I might have to choose the latter....but by a very very very slim margin.

Dress as a Clown Day
Everyone would be required to don bright wigs, white face paint, and red noses and walk around with those irrationally large shoes. They would make little kids cry and grown adults (like myself) cower in fear. Wait, no, I'm sorry. In the battle of Clowns vs. Valentine's, clowns win for awfulness and generally being terrifying. Strike this one from the list.

Hoodie Hoo Day
You guys, this is a real holiday, I kid you not. Technically, it is to be celebrated on February 20th, but can we move it to Feb. 14th? I mean, who doesn't want to go out into the fresh air at noon, wave their hands over their heads, and shout "Hoodie Hoo!"? What a fantastic holiday!

 
P.S. February 14th is also officially Ferris Wheel Day and National Organ Donor Day. I can totally get behind both of those...as long as I'm not actually required to donate an organ on that day to celebrate.